if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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