There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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