I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
