I'm gonna have a badass scar
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
