I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
