all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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