I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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