OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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