The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
