note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
