eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
