Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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