If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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