my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
