there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
