Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
