I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
