i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
