1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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