He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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