I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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