I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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