today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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