apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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