just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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