I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
3 2 1 whiskey
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
