I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
