he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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