So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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