dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
