she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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