If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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