To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
