put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
