It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
