I'm going to jail i love you
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
