I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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