Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
