sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
