Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
And then he peed in my hair
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