this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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