Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I can't turn off my feet"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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