I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
