I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
