actually, I'm a sock model
wanna go halves on a baby?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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