I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
