So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
