My boss' voice literally gives me gas
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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