Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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