My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
