The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We talked him into tasing himself.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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