My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
