3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Don't make out with my wife yet
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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