WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
