ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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