How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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