so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
